there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
a search helicopter?!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
