Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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