How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We have started to decorate penises.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
