Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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