I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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