This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
