Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
