I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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