went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
