I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
