my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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