Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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