i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you traded sex for a burrito?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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