So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
