9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
