She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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