left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
