Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
