I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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