OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
