Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
