If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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