Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Drake has all the answers
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
