Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
