all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
