Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
