Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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