You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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