I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
