He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
