If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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