Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
