is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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