2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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