Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
