Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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