Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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