i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
