I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
