My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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