she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
