Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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