cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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