pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
