New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
