When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
