well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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