bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
