you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
