when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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