new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
