Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
