im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
