what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
