Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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