I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
