Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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