Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
