Got a toothbrush?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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