Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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