mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
